By BronnieWare 
For many years I worked in palliative
care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly
special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve
weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their
own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for
growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of
emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and
eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before
they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any
regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes
surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This
was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life
is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many
dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a
half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices
they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at
least some of your dreams along the way. From
the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a
freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard
This came from every male
patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their
partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most
were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been
breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By
simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way,
it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by
creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to
new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As
a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who
they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating
to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot
control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially
react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end
it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either
that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either
way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Often they
would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their
dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.
There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and
effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are
dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships
slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs
in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true
importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the
benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary
to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships
in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and
relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called
'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as
their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and
to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed
to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are
on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.
How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are
dying.
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